Why you should care
OZY’s Eugene S. Robinson addresses queries from the love-weary in “Sex With Eugene.”
SPEED KILLS! OR DOES IT?
EUGENE, SIR: I’m three months into a new thing with a hot woman and there’s not much that could be wrong in just three months, but when I was looking for my phone charger in her bag, I found a plastic bag with white powder in it. I asked her what it was and she was honest and told me it was crystal meth. She says she takes it sometimes if she’s got a long day at work or something (she works at a startup and works long hours). I’m cool and no stranger to drug use myself, but I have never done meth. She’s suggesting it as part of our sex play on the grounds of “working hard/playing hard,” but I’ve not heard very many good things about it. She says it makes sex “intense.” Please advise. —Another Vice?
Dear If One Is Not Enough Is 1,000 Too Many?: First off, can you imagine on any planet that a quasi-nonmedical “professional” like myself would start to extol the virtues of a Schedule II drug, the sale or purchase of which subjects you to as many as 15 years in prison and a fine of up to $250,000?
I hope you cannot.
I can say this, though: People are suckers for FURTHER. It’s why some of our ancestors left Africa, it’s why we humans spread like viruses, and it’s why we’re pushing hard to colonize space.
So selling something on the basis of “Well, if you thought [sex, or fill in the blank] was HOT before? Wait until you do [meth, or fill in the blank]” is some straight-up Texas Guinan scam, man: There’s a sucker born every minute. Why can’t that sucker be YOU?
Now I have no doubt that anything that heightens an already heightened experience will no doubt leave an impression, but is it necessary to fire off a pistol when having sex just to get more bang for your buck?
Not really the point, though, since I guess that if she’s laid it out as she’s laid it out, you can’t help but hear the implied threat: She’s done it before, she likes doing it, and in all likelihood will do it again, perhaps with someone else, if you don’t climb on board.
But you know what? I don’t say that she’s saying this, but if she is, you can’t negotiate with terrorists. Or people whom a drug is likely to climb on top of.
However, if you’re using her as a foil just to do something you really want to do that you’d just prefer to not take responsibility for, don’t. You’re better than that. Do it or not, but own your decisions and let the 15 years in prison and $250,000 fines fall where they may.
When Bachelorette Parties Go Too Far
EUGENE, SIR: At a friend’s bachelorette party, I had too much to drink and did a few things I haven’t been too proud of. Someone took a photo, and that photo is now part of an online picture gallery. My face is blurred, but if you know my clothes, like my husband knows my clothes, you know it was me. I’ve asked them to take it down and the bride says she thinks it’s harmless and I should relax. My husband, who did not want me to go in the first place, will not think it’s harmless. Can I force them to take it down? I don’t want things to get ugly, but I don’t want to get divorced over this either. —Name withheld by request
Dear Rock vs. Hard Place: I don’t know precisely what you did, but I do know that you are, very effectively, checkmated. A friend of mine once, in advising me about doing business with Sicilians (don’t ask) said that if you start waving contracts in their face — consider that an analog for what people should do — you will get nowhere. However, if you say, very clearly, that you thought you two were friends and this is a terrible disappointment, you’ll get a lot further by appealing to the personal versus the legal.
Now, this is a gross generalization, but it holds that if you make them angry that pic is probably going nowhere. So maybe playing nice will get them to play nice, but if you start filling one hand with crap and the other hand with hope, I suspect you’ll find one filling up before the other.
Which is my way of saying: Confession is good for the soul. Waiting around for the shoe of husbandly discovery to drop is a mug’s game. Go to him now, say some version of what you’ve said to me and throw yourself on the mercy of the court. Better that than to be scurrying around afraid until someone outs you anyway.
Oh, and one more thing: This bride is not your friend. Good luck.
The Speed of Saucy
EUGENE, SIR: All I want is him to go slower. We have a healthy relationship … I don’t think he’s ignoring me, but different people think differently, and I think he thinks he is going slower, but it’s not slow enough for me, so how do I get him to understand I need him to go even slower without sounding like a nag? —Walking, Not Running
Dear Easy Gonzalez: Simple. Like riding a horse, any positional switch that lets YOU control the pace will win the day. You on top facing him or facing away from him being (though this is not without risks, since you can’t watch him and therefore effectively gauge his TTO, or Time to Orgasm) probably the best with which you can impose your sense of speed. Or whatever the opposite of speed is.
Nonverbal cues are useful too. Like? Like slower music. And if he’s immune to all or most of these tells, position yourself so that you can gently tug on his scrotum, something that’s been known to slow the male TTO.
Though you haven’t said that he is a premature ejaculator, it seems the issue is partially that and partially that he’s also going too fast before he even gets to orgasm. His, specifically. So, like a symphony conductor, get on top and sing the benefits of rhythmic ease. If he’s not a complete clod, he’ll get what you’re going for right away. Like teaching someone to dance, it’s well worth it if you like dancing.