Why you should care
OZY’s Eugene S. Robinson addresses queries from the love-weary in “Sex With Eugene.”
What the Hidden Camera Shows
EUGENE, SIR: My roommate has been using my electric toothbrush to masturbate with. I have security cams around our place, and I saw her come into my bathroom and take my toothbrush and then return it 10 minutes later. She could have been using it to brush her teeth (still creepy), but it doesn’t smell like it. Is this a legal matter? And if so, how do I handle this? — Lee
Dear Lee Ving: Move. Seriously. Does it make any sense at all negotiating with terrorists? And “terrorist” is precisely what I’d call the boundary stepper who thought their sexual release was more important than my dental hygiene. No amount of open-mindedness would make me think this was in any way OK. Like seeing a short order cook scrambling your eggs with a toilet plunger. Sure, it might work, but it reveals some sort of deeper pathology that you’re better off just not having to deal with. Unless … well, unless, you dig that kind of thing. Then have at it!
Sex With Racists!
EUGENE, SIR: This might be a chicken or egg thing, but my sort-of-new-lover of the past month likes sex on the rough side. Which I like as well. But then a few days ago when we were having sex, he slipped into this whole “I’m going to fuck you like a nigger.” I’m actually biracial, but that wasn’t the point here. I stopped and asked what he had said and he said he hadn’t said anything and an argument soon followed. When I started to think about where that came from though, I started to notice stuff I hadn’t noticed before. Specifically, his smallish penis. Then, all of a sudden, it started to make sense. So my question: Are men with larger penises, in general, more relaxed and less nuts about sex? — Name withheld by request
Dear Eva Braun: I see you’ve been thrust into having to make some unfortunate connections in order to make sense of what feels nonsensical. But before we get to that, I think someone should lay it down for “smallish” men because they have enough to deal with if my mailbox is any indication. Having a small penis is not correlated to being an ass. Or being weird about sex. But asses will ass, and that’s probably altogether a more complete explanation a la bees stinging, dogs biting and a few other of anyone else’s favorite things.
No, while I think a certain license should be granted when considering the stuff that’s said in the heat of passion, there are clearly lines that probably will never be in fashion. Meaning? Meaning there’s a lot that’s sexy, but I’ve yet to see anyone turn around “I’m going to screw you like a Black & Decker cordless impact driver.”
There are some that might find that sexy, but we’re not talking fetish here; we’re talking parameters, and there are, at a minimum, probably half a dozen reasons this one sat outside the realm of acceptable for you. But of this I can guarantee you: It was not causally connected to penis size. I’m sure there’s a well-endowed man out there somewhere who read your question and was, in contemplating when he could next bust creative, thrilled to think of laying that line out there like “Yeeeeahhhh …” May you be lucky enough to have him not be your next ex.
EUGENE, SIR: I need to call bullshit on this latest Trump rape allegation. If I’m having a flirty conversation with an adult about lingerie, and I ask her to try it on and she leads back into a dressing room, I don’t think I’m crazy or wrong in assuming that we are doing so for sexual reasons. And I hate Trump. But could this be where #MeToo spins off the rails? — Every Man
Dear No Sir: See, when you assume anything — outside of making an ass out of U and ME — you are guessing, based on the information most readily available to you at that time. And sort of following on with what Descartes suggested, if you are guessing, you don’t know, and there’s always the possibility that you’re guessing incorrectly.
How do you know when you have?
When the other person is saying “No” is usually a good sign. When your name is in the paper near the word “rape” might be another. But you want my take? I suspect Trump as Hammerhead was correct in assuming initially that he, an unfaithfully married man, had met a match. As they walked back to the dressing room, they still could have been on the same page.
But — and this is where the letter writers most frequently cite diverging paths — he bobbled the last 10 yards before the touchdown, to use a sports analogy. But by going from the slow burn of fantasy projection — the meat and potatoes of seduction — to frenetic finisher status, he single-handedly seemed to seal a sex deal that was going to be less than satisfying for even a willing partner.
And this is where things got irrefutably ugly if the reports are to believed, and I do believe them.
Does this derail #MeToo? That depends on where you think it was heading. And while I don’t know where it was heading, I do know that it’s done most significantly what needed to be done: Cause us to question the orthodoxy around how we handle both our private parts and our public (and professional) personas.
So for a final tally … while Trump may have been right in the lead-up, he screwed up the close and comes up with an L for this, since a good game of sexy time leaves winners, not plaintiffs. Winner? #MeToo by default.